Its also hard to handle the whining and crying for hours on end. She wanted a water, not this water cup the other water cup, she wants her blanket on her but not the way its currently on her, she wants a different show on, anytime something wasnt exactly the way she wanted it she cried. It was frustrating and exhausting. My husband got up after a while and I took my oldest on a quick walk around the lake nearby to get out of the house. That was a lot of fun. We walked the trails and had some one on one time.
Then I went back home to deal with the little one. My husband was also sick and struggling to cope with his sickness and Hanna's neediness. So I decided to take her to the store with me to try and find some medication she would take. She was pretty funny in the grocery store telling people "we getting medicine...FOR MY BUM!" They only had liquid Tylenol and any attempts to get any in her she just spat it out. I got her down for her afternoon nap and decided to take the chance to get out for a run. It was 24 degrees out when I left so I slathered on the sunscreen and filled my water backpack. I didnt hold out too much hope for a great time in the heat but I lucked out with some cloud cover and was able to do a decent time for 10 miles.
I got back to the house and we were trying to figure out whether to still go to my in-laws for dinner or if we should stay home. Hanna woke up from her nap even more miserable. Tegan was mad because we had said the girls could sleep over at their grandparents but had re-scheduled that due to Hanna being sick. Hubby and I were snapping at each other and it was not a happy time. We decided to go anyways just to get us all out of the house.
We got there any Hanna just wanted me to hold her and rock her the hold time. My in-laws brought out the Prosecco and some chips and I drank a couple glasses quite fast and snacked. They made us a lovely dinner but it was hard to enjoy because Hanna didnt want to be put down and then T didnt want to eat and she felt sick too. I ate more than I needed and had another glass of champagne. We got home and my husband and I were feeling frustrated with the kids and each other. It was a hard day to deal with and we were at the end of our ability to cope. I was on bedtime duty (we alternate) so I read them their stories and got them settled. It took Hanna a long time to fall asleep. She whimpered from her crib for a while and we traded off who would go in and rub her back. Finally after about an hour she was asleep.
I should have just gone to bed. I'd had chips, 3 drinks, dinner and dessert already. But rough days with my kids can be such a trigger. Food can be such a coping mechanism. I told myself I "deserved" to eat whatever I wanted after such a rough day. I snacked even more and had another drink. Then went to bed with a sore tummy :( I logged all my food this morning and looks like around 4500cals. The hardest part after binge-ing is the mind games the next day. Feeling frustrated at myself and craving more junk. I've learned you cannot punish yourself by depriving or it will just backfire. I cant even try and reduce my calories for a few days or that will be enough to trigger me again. I just need to shake it off and pretend it never happened. Which is hard to do.
I am proud of myself for logging it all though on MFP. I promised myself when I started doing this that good or bad I would put it all in so I could really understand my eating habit and calories consumed/burned. It also puts things in perspective for me. Eating 4500 calories especially on a day I burned 1200 would only lead to a max gain of 0.5lb. In the grand scheme of things 136.8 is not much different than 136.2. It can be disheartening to step on the scale after going off the rails and see myself up 4lbs, but I need to remind myself that that is my body full of food and water weight.
wow this is a rambling post...today is a new day.
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