Sunday morning my kids were at my in-laws and I decided to take advantage of being able to run wherever I wanted and for however long I wanted. I headed out to Westwood Lake which is one of my favorite places to run. Its a 6km loop through the woods with beautiful views.
I was having a great run. The kind where you start comparing trail running to some sort of spiritual experience. I just felt calm and at peace and was totally enjoying the moment. I had planned to do 24km and near the end was debating doing a 5th loop and making it 30km
On the 4th loop I got to the top of the bluffs to take a pic.
I took a photo and realized I had missed a text from my mom saying she was in emergency with my step-dad. He has lung cancer and she messaged that he was deteriorating quickly. The text was from an hour and half earlier. I messaged her from the top of the hill and said I was heading up there (she lives a little over an hour away). She told me to come quick he was dying :(
I forgot to turn on my running app after that as I was just trying to get to the car as fast as possible. So my total run was closer to 15 miles. I made it about 20 mins before my mom called back to say he had died. I felt so guilty that I had missed the text, missed being there for her, missed the chance to give him a hug and say goodbye.
Wayne was my step-dad but he and my mom started together when I was about 20 and I no longer lived at home. He was quietly supportive and loving but most of all a wonderful Grampa to my girls. He loved them like they were his own.
(he was always taking them out on the boat)
Turns out his actual passing was very peaceful, moving and powerful. His brother and sister had made it there and after being kind of out of it for a while his eyes focused and locked onto my mom. She told him how much she loved him and how it was ok he could go now and she would be ok. Then he just closed his eyes and died. Pretty incredible really. I spent the day and night with my mom and other family came and went. We cried and hugged and laughed. She is a strong woman and I know she will be ok, but it is tough to watch your mom in pain like that. All day people brought food and I ate and drank a ton in attempts to comfort myself.
It was hard to leave the next day, but I had to come back to my kids and work. My aunt came to stay with her and her best friend as well. I knew this moment was coming from when he was diagnosed 19 months ago. But it hit me way harder than I was expected. I cried the whole drive home. I got home and had to tell my 6 year old. More tears. She handled it with maturity and grace, stopping to wipe the tears off my cheeks...god I love her. She decided to channel her anger at the people who make cigarettes :)
My in-laws messaged and asked if we wanted them to take the girls to the park for a bit, give us some time. I took them up on that and despite only getting a few hours sleep the night before I decided a run would do me good. I couldnt find matching socks and my legs were really hairy (lol) but I didnt give a shit. I just needed to get out. So I ran like this :)
I listened to some David Gray and just ran to feel better. I find if I'm upset running helps me sort through my emotions and get it all out. I ran and cried and it was the release I needed to make it through the rest of the evening. I have never been much of a crier but I've also never had much experience with death.
Not a bad little run! 36km in 2 days is pretty good.
I crawled into bed physically exhausted and emotionally drained.
Today I was back at work. I was tired and melancholy. I ran with my running buddy who tried his best to be supportive but I was taking some of my pain out on him which wasnt really fair. It was a short run as we both werent really feeling it.
I think it wasnt until the afternoon that I was able to shake off some of the hurt/anger I was feeling. Felt a bit more like myself after that. Ate totally on plan today though. I'm going to try and get in 6 miles tomorrow.
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